|
Britain Revokes US Independence
From John Cleese to the Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President and thus
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty
Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not
fancy).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The
letter U will be reinstated in words such as favour and neighbour.
Likewise, you will learn to spell doughnut without skipping half
the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up vocabulary).
Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises
such as like and you know is an unacceptable form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter U and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July
4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many guns, lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will
no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
All American cars are hereby banned. They are rubbish: this is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will see what
we mean.
All intersections will be replaced by roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect.
At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and
without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) - roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and what you insist on calling a chip is
properly called a crisp. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal
fat, and dressed, not with ketchup, but with vinegar. The cold
tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at
all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. You will cease playing
American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you
call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will
stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called
the World Series for a game which is not played outside America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. An
inland revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation,
John Cleese.
|
